Questions, Answers and the Likes
by Teimilola
Summary: Something tragic has occurred: The Akatsuki has been disbanded. After the split, its members have to find other jobs. Follow the Akatsuki through a comical path of interviews, questions, answers and the likes.


CHAPTER ONE

Itachi's interview

Itachi walked into a room with a single chair wearing plaid shirt and jeans chair faced a huge glass window with four interviewers on the other side, three men and one woman in formal attires. In front of them was a huge table with lots of he sat down on the chair, one of the interviewers coughed.

'There's a single chair, there is a single person. Simple logic.' Itachi thought expressionless as usual.

"Good morning." Interviewer 1 greeted.

Itachi responded with a silent emotionless slight twitch of his face that none of the interviewers even noticed.

"Tell us about yourself." Interviewer 1 demanded unfazed by Itachi's attitude or more precisely his lack of one.

"I am Uchiha Itachi."

After a few minutes of silence…

"Umm...Tell us where you come from, your interests, your education, and stuff like that." Interviewer 2 urged. She had no idea why but she had taken up particular interest in this poorly-dressed, seemingly-unpleasant candidate that was obviously not going to get the job.

"I'm from the Uchiha clan, I schooled at the ANBU Black ops and my only interest is Uchiha Sasuke." Itachi replied with his face blank.

"Uchiha Sasuke?" Interview 4 asked in a voice that said explain further.

"My younger brother." Itachi replied as if that explained all.

"By interest, you mean?" Interviewer 1 asked. For all they knew, they could have an incestuous pedophile on their hands.

"I enjoy making him cry."

"o-kayy." Interviewer 1 replied slightly relieved that he was not incestuous but even further wary on realization that he was dealing with a mad man.

"What do you consider your weaknesses?" Interviewer 3 asked looking to direct the interview away from the awkwardness that was pervading it.

"Nothing."

"You mean you have no weaknesses?" Interviewer 3 asked, not incredulously but with the face of someone who was impatient with these liars.

"None."

"No need to lie to us; everyone has weaknesses." Interviewer 2 urged.

"I have none." Itachi replied with an even tone devoid of emphasis or annoyance.

"o-kayy." Interviewer 1 replied shuffling his papers.

"No need to keep your face so plain. We're your friends. See, we're all smiling." Interviewer 2 said with a big wide cheesy grin.

...

"Why do you want this job?" Interviewer 4 asked.

"I need it."

"What for?" Interviewer 1 asked suddenly seeming interested.

"To cover up my other source of income."

"Cover up?" Interviewer 2 asked urging him to disclose more information.

"My lawyer says I need to." Itachi replied obviously not getting the prompt.

"And what exactly is your other source of income?" Interviewer 1 asked.

"I kill people."

The interviewers looked sideways at each other alarmed. They were not sure if this was a joke. They looked at Itachi; he didn't look like a psychotic killer. They telepathically communicated to each other that this was a joke. Yup! Definitely. Only a professional actor could pull off a blank expression like that. This was someone's twisted idea of a joke. They would play along anyway.

Interviewer 1 coughs.

"Why do you do that?" Interviewer 3 asked playing along.

"To prevent wars." Itachi replied with his Oscar-winning blank facial expression.

"o-kayy." Interviewer 1 replied.

"Why are you leaving your present job?" Interviewer 4 asked.

"The organization went under." Itachi replied like that was all the explanation he needed.

"What exactly was your former job?" Interviewer 3 asked.

"Peace-keeping."

"By killing people?" Interviewer 1 asked Incredulously.

...

"What didn't you like about your former job?" Interviewer 4 asked.

"The noise."

"Noise?" Interviewer 2 asked.

"Yes."

"The sound of the gun going bang bang?" Interviewer 1 asked.

"No. It's the people I worked with."

"Give me an example of a time when you felt you went above and beyond the call of duty at work." Interviewer 3 demanded.

Silence.

"Well?" Interviewer 3 prompted.

"Once, I had to smile."

Interviewer 1 coughs while Interviewer 2 smiles widely and interviewer 3 seems disturbed.

"What is the most difficult decision you have made in the last two years and how did you come to that decision?" Interviewer 4 askes frowning. This was getting on his nerves already.

"Coming to this interview."

"How did you come to that decision?" Interviewer 3 continued as though he had not heard him.

"I saw the ad in the paper." Itachi replied.

Interviewer 2 smiles. She considered Itachi funny and remembered it was all a joke. She might even ask him to lunch when the interview was over. He wasn't too bad looking. While the other interviewers are too stunned at his bluntness to speak and Interviewer 4's frown grows deeper.

"What do you consider your greatest achievement?" Interviewer 2 asked.

"I killed my entire clan." Itachi replied

"Ha!" Interviewer 1 exclaimed completely convinced that this guy had brain touch.

"When?" Interviewer 2 asked playing along. She was no longer considering the lunch idea. He was too insane for that.

"2000."

"How?" Interviewer 3 asked.

"With a gun."

Interviewer 3 face palms. "I mean how could you kill all of them at once?!"

"It was a family reunion."

"Ohh!" Interviewer 2 replied as if that made sense.

"And how is that relevant to an optics company?" Interviewer 1 asked taking playing along to a whole new level.

"I also used some optical illusions." Itachi explained.

"Ohh!" Interviewer 2 exclaims and reflexively reaches out to check if the glass separating them is still in place.

"What do you think of your previous job?" Interviewer 4 asked.

"It was okay." Itachi replied.

"What didn't you like about your former boss?" Interviewer 4 continued.

"The rods in his back." Itachi said.

"What?" Interviewer 2 asked trying to figure out the concept of rods in anyone's back.

"They got in my line of view." Itachi explained.

"What do you like to do for fun?" Interviewer 3 askes.

"Make my brother sad." Itachi replies.

Interviewer 1 coughs.

"What is your favorite memory from childhood?" Interviewer 2 asked.

"Flicking my brother's head."

Silence.

"Tell me one thing about yourself that you wouldn't want me to know?" Interviewer 4 asks?

"Logic." Itachi replies

"What?" Interviewer 4 asks but Itachi stays silent.

"If you were an animal, which one would you be?" Interviewer 4 continues after a moment of silence.

"Human." Itachi replies.

"I said animal." Interviewer 4 says.

"Humans are animals."

"Well, I think we've come to the end of this interview. We'll let you know how you fared later on." Interviewer 3 concludes the interview.

Itachi gets up, walks towards the glass separating him and his interviewers and suddenly black fire from some device in his hand consumes it. Interviewer 1 runs and hides behind a chair. The others back away slowly.

"That glass isn't very protective." Itachi says to Interviewer 2 and she fearfully nods.

Itachi picks up 1 and 4, sets them on the floor by the single chair and pulls out a knife.

"I would like you to know why I'm killing you." Itachi says.

"Please spare me. I would give you anything even the job." Interviewer 1 pleads.

"Who's making you play this prank? Tell me. I'll sue them immediately." Interviewer 4 asks still believing it's a joke.

"Because your logic is flawed and your science, lousy." Itachi says to interviewer 4.

"I'll call my banker now if you want." Interviewer 1 says raising his phone.

Itachi turns to him. "Because your cough is noisy."

Then he slits their throats and no, he didn't get the job.


End file.
